


Jokes

by SeeEmRunning



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Percy Weasley-centric, Snapshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24831592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeEmRunning/pseuds/SeeEmRunning
Summary: Reddit used shlubermarn asked, "What was the last joke Percy told? Fred couldn't finish the sentence."I wrote a fic.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 99





	Jokes

Percy used to be as big a prankster as the twins. (They had to learn it from somewhere, didn't they?) But as his younger siblings grew more numerous, and his older siblings started leaving for Hogwarts, Percy found himself in the role of child-minder far more often than he'd have liked.

Every prank the little hellion twins played came back on Percy, and why he hadn't watched them better while Mum was busy with Ron in diapers and Ginny still tiny. The twins played pranks on Percy, but when Percy tried to retaliate, he was scolded for picking on his little brothers - they needed a good role model, and Mum was so busy with the babies (Ron was almost 3 now, and getting to be more of a handful than Ginny, who was almost 2), and Dad was at work providing for them all. Percy needed to shape up and show them how to be gentlemen.

He tried.

When Bill and Charlie came home for the summer, the pressure eased, a little bit. Percy could be Percy, not merely the oldest of the little kids. Bill and Charlie looked at him a little crooked, not sure where the new 'gentleman Percy' had come from. Charlie took to calling him Sir Percy, and Percy laughed and shoved him until Mum saw. The twins joined in, and for a while, that was his nickname. He thought Ginny might be confused and think it was actually his name, because she started calling him "siwosee" in her little baby voice.

Percy's first year came. Bill was a Prefect, and Charlie was on the Quidditch team - he'd made Seeker in his second year, the youngest student to make a school team in almost 30 years. Percy looked at them and decided that if Bill excelled at socializing, and Charlie was a Quidditch prodigy, then he would be the academic.

He threw himself into studying, and when he'd finished reading his hand-me-down first-year textbooks, he borrowed Charlie's hand-me-down second-year texts. Charlie just laughed and ruffled his hair and reminded him there was more to life than school.

Percy was top of the year, and he was proud of himself. He wasn't innately intelligent; he'd put a lot of hard work and late nights in, and he'd beaten the second in class (a Ravenclaw named Penelope Clearwater, who *was* innately intelligent) by 6 whole percentage points.

He told Mum and Dad as soon as he was off the train, and Bill laughed and said, "Yes, we're all very proud, Perce - but school's over now. How's work been?"

Ron and Ginny set on Charlie. The twins advanced on Percy. By the time the car had made it to the Burrow, he had itching powder in his pants.

Naturally, he retaliated with a spell he'd learned at school, the Leg-Locker Curse. Unfortunately, he missed Fred, who was going into the bathroom, and hit Ron, now 7, who was just starting down the stairs.

He wasn't entirely sure who screamed louder, him or Ron. Either way, Mum was there in under a minute, casting Diagnostic Charms. Ron had hit his head and needed to go to St. Mungo's.

Percy sat in the waiting room, his face ashen, feeling like the worst person in the world. It was supposed to be a stupid prank on Fred, not Ron in the hospital with his brain bleeding!

The Healer said it could have been worse. If Ron's accidental magic hadn't kicked in, he might have died.

Percy spent the rest of the summer trapped in a nightmare. He did whatever Mum and Dad asked of him, ignored Fred and George's pranks, tried to make it up to Ron however he could; but Ron stayed just that little bit colder than he had been, before the stairs.

Percy was given his wand back at 10:59AM on September 1st. He spent that year either in the library, studying, or in an empty classroom, practicing his aim. Bill and Charlie tried to talk to him sometimes, but they weren't very consistent, and soon enough they were busy with their own lives. Percy's second year passed in a haze of classes and studying and practice.

He kept his wand, over that summer, but he didn't use it, not once. Bill received a Head Boy badge along with his Hogwarts letter, and Mum and Dad bought him a new wand - one that actually matched him, one that picked him, not one that had been mouldering in the attic next to the ghoul until it worked well enough for one of them to be pressed into service. Dad was using his grandfather's wand, Percy knew, and wondered for the first time just how powerful his spells would be with a properly-matched wand.

He wanted a wand that matched him, one that was only his. Not one that had been handed down over generations of Weasleys. He wanted a lot of things that were only his, and he had learned his lessons well: the only way to earn things was to work for them.

In his third year, Fred and George came to Hogwarts. They quickly gained a reputation among both staff and students, and Percy was embarrassed. He tried to talk to them, but they just told him, "Stuff it, Sir Percy," and continued wreaking havoc. He took Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, and - after a quick talk with Charlie and Bill - Care of Magical Creatures. His roommate Oliver Wood - they were the only two Gryffindor boys in their year - made Keeper on the Quidditch team. Percy spent many of his nights studying to the soundtrack and Wood reciting statistics and plays.

He again gained top marks, but this time it was by a margin of less than 3%. Penelope (who, he noticed, had a brilliant smile) congratulated him and warned him she would beat him next year. Percy laughed and said she was welcome to try.

His fourth year, Charlie, Fred, and George boarded the train with him. Charlie was Quidditch Captain. The year passed. Sometimes Percy felt like he spent more time trying to rein in Fred and George, and to convince Wood to focus on school, than he did studying. Nevertheless, he took top marks. He just barely beat out Penelope, whose brilliant smile had been joined by sparkling eyes.

He got a prefect's badge with his Hogwarts letter that summer. The owl had come to his room, and he stared at the badge in his hand, awed and slightly afraid. He remembered knocking Ron down the stairs and thought McGonagall had to be mad - except the other choice, he remembered, was Wood, who was so distracted by Quidditch he had barely passed the previous year. With Charlie now graduated, he figured Wood would probably be Quidditch Captain.

He wondered how to break the news to Mum and Dad. Everything else seemed too showy and arrogant, so in the end, he pinned it to his shirt before going down to breakfast.

In hindsight, just telling them would have gone better. "Sir Percy" made a resurgence, but there was none of the affectionate teasing it had once been. Now it was mocking.

It was Percy's worst summer since the one after his first year, and when he finally escaped onto the train it was with a feeling of deep relief.

Ron made friends with Harry Potter - *the* Harry Potter, who was Sorted into Gryffindor along with a rather insufferable girl with bushy brown hair - and Percy was proud, right up until the three of them snuck away from the rest of Gryffindor to go fight a troll on Halloween.

Then he just wondered if that four-year-old brain injury had actually caused serious damage and he just hadn't been told. He kept a close eye on Ron after that, but Ron was just acting like Ron, making the same mistakes most first-years did (and receiving rather extravagant penalties for some) and Percy relaxed and focused on his OWLs. He asked, and received, permission to sit the Muggle Studies exam.

At the end of the year, Ron, Potter, and that blasted girl went into the forbidden corridor. Ron was unconscious and bloody in the infirmary with a blasted head injury when Percy went to go see him. Potter was three beds away, also unconscious. The girl was crying and wringing her hands.

Percy asked Madam Pomfrey what she was doing to help his brother, and refused to be out off by platitudes. She eventually went the other direction and spouted jargon until his head spun. As soon as Ron was awake - Pomfrey shooed him off after fifteen minutes - he went to the library to look up and translate exactly what she'd told him.

He gained top marks again. Penelope was wearing particularly well-tailored robes when she congratulated him, and he tried not to notice. Except then she kissed his cheek, and he decided that maybe it was okay to notice, and notice in detail.

Percy got straight Os on his OWLs - all eleven of them. Professor Marchbanks had written a note congratulating him on fine spellwork and a finer understanding of theory across the board than most adults could hope to obtain, and he hadn't even taken the Muggle Studies class! Marchbanks expected great things from him in the future, great things indeed.

Percy kept the note to himself, but shared his OWL results. Fred and George immediately started mocking him - how, he wasn't sure, because this was something he'd *earned*, dammit - but Mum shushed them and gushed until he felt like fire was about to pour out of his ears. Dinner that night was shepherd's pie, his favorite.

He woke the next morning to the news that Ron and the twins had stolen Dad's car, flown across the country, and rescued Potter from his relatives' house. And it had been a rescue, to hear them tell it - bars on the windows, the uncle grabbing for him. Percy was envious they'd had such an adventure, while he had been home in bed. It hurt, a little, that none of then seemed to have even considered asking him for his help.

His sixth year came. He kept all of his classes the same, though McGonagall tried to talk him out of it. Eleven NEWTs was more than anyone had attempted since Dumbledore himself.

Percy privately thought that meant people didn't try hard enough.

Ginny started school. Percy tried to keep an eye on her, but with eleven NEWTs (and Penelope), he was busier than he'd ever been. He lost himself in the routine of school.

Ginny disappeared. Then Ron and Potter disappeared. Percy spent an awful night staring into the common room fire, wondering if he'd ever see the two youngest members of his family again. Fred and George sat silently beside him.

They lived, bruised and horrified but otherwise okay. Percy tied with Penelope for top marks. They went home for the summer.

Ron and Ginny woke up a lot. Percy tried to talk to him, but after being rebuffed for two weeks straight, he gave up.

Dad won the Prize Draw at work. They bought Ron a new wand - his had been broken by the Whomping Willow the year before - and took them all to Egypt to visit Bill.

One of the tombs held Ron, lying there with his head bleeding. Percy tried to run, to get help, but the door was sliding shut behind him. He sprinted for it, trying to get outside - Ron was hurt, he needed to get help - the door kept sliding - he wasn't going to make it-

"Fred! George!" Mum shrieked. The door stopped closing. Percy made it through the gap to find the find the twins, red-faced from exertion, being laid into by Mum while Ron and Ginny looked on.

Ron was okay. Whatever had been in the tomb hadn't been Ron. Percy laughed in relief and clapped Ron on the shoulder on his way by.

His Hogwarts letter that year held a badge naming him Head Boy. Fred and George immediately took to charming it to read Big-Head Boy. His parents bought him a wand that matched him, ash and dragon heartstring, long and thin and rigid.

Percy kept trying to ignore the twins.

His seventh year finished out so quickly it was like he'd blinked at it was over. As had become horrifyingly routine, Ron was hurt in June while doing something with Potter and Granger. This time he'd been mauled by a dog, and his leg was broken. Potter was almost eaten by dementors.

School ended. He took a job at the Ministry, in the Department of International Cooperation, under a strict man names Crouch. Percy's first assignment was condensing six years of notes into a thirty-page report about varying thicknesses of cauldron bottoms, a topic he couldn't honestly say he'd ever spared a thought for. The material they were made of, yes, but their thickness?

He was surprised by how fascinating it was, once he started digging into the notes. Who'd have thought that a 3mm difference in thickness could lead to a 40% higher melting rate when brewing potions being simmered for ten minutes or greater?

Somewhere in the middle of the summer, he received his NEWT results. Ten Os, and one E, that one in History of Magic. Percy scowled at it - if Binns hadn't been such a poor teacher, he probably could have gotten an O with ease. He was making excuses again, though. He needed to stop doing that.

His report on cauldron bottoms was well-received. Crouch let him in on the big international event that would take place at Hogwarts - the Triwizard Tournament. Percy's role was minor, more of a gofer than anything, but it was enough to be involved.

He attended the Quidditch World Cup. He was never as Quidditch-mad as Oliver, but he did enjoy the sport. The World Cup was something to see, especially the Bulgarian team.

And Bulgaria's mascots.

That night, there was an attack, and it was one of the most terrifying nights of Percy's life. He flung curses far more serious than Leg-Lockers, and hurt people terribly. When it was declared safe, he looked into his brothers' haunted faces and wept. Bill didn't say a word, just gathered him in.

"First fight's the toughest, Perce," he said quietly.

The Triwizard Tournament was held. The first hiccup came the second day in - Potter's name came out of the stupid goblet. Percy started a letter to Ron, then ripped it up. Then he did it again. And again. In the end, he didn't write at all.

He was there for the first task, where they fought dragons. Potter looked young and small, even next to the other champions. Percy told himself he didn't care, that Potter had been responsible for years of injuries his youngest siblings had endured, but he wasn't sure he believed it. Charlie swore the whole time, and was the first to run forward to subdue the Horntail when Potter had the egg.

The next task wasn't a task, per se, but a social function. Percy was dreading it. He got himself dress robes - not the highest quality, but new - and put on a fake smile.

February came, and with it came the second task. Crouch owled Percy the morning of to inform him that he was ill, and Percy would have to judge this one.

Percy felt panic flicker in his chest. He snuffed it. Everything would be fine.

Everything was *not* fine, because Ron was one of the hostages, and Harry was over the time limit. When they finally appeared, Percy couldn't stop himself from running forward to help drag him out.

The less said about the third task, the better.

Percy faced an inquiry at work. How had he not realized Crouch was Imperiused? Well, he hadn't thought to loom for it, and besides, he'd never been taught how to look for it in the first place. Apparently they were supposed to cover Unforgivables in fourth year.

They hadn't. Percy had had a particularly useless teacher that year and had relied entirely on textbooks to carry him through.

In the end, the situation was regrettable, but there was nothing Percy could have done differently - or so the reports said. Minister Fudge offered him a position as a Junior Undersecretary, and Percy jumped at the chance to salvage his career. When he was told he'd be assisting in a standard audit of Hogwarts, he was relieved; there was a lot that he'd learned since graduating, and some of it should absolutely have been taught at school.

Percy was envisioning standardizing the curriculum. Fudge was envisioning something else entirely.

At the end of his first day, Percy told Mum and Dad. They weren't pleased, which was surprising, but then they said he was being used to spy on Dumbledore, and he said a lot of things he later regretted and walked out.

He sent Ron a letter, later in the year, encouraging him to cooperate with Umbridge (who, aside from a love affair with pink and a revolting personality, seemed competent enough). He also encouraged Ron to separate from Potter, who dragged him into a life-threatening situation ever year. He never got a response.

There was a battle. The Department of Mysteries was nearly destroyed. Percy assisted in repairs and was approached with a job offer. He took it.

Now, not only was he Junior Undersecretary to the Minister, but also Unspeakable Q, responsible for condensing notes into readable format. He had apparently caught their eye for his "outstanding work" on the cauldron-bottom report he'd written.

Shit went down. Percy helped where he could and kept his head down where he couldn't. Shame festered in his stomach whenever he couldn't do more, or whenever he thought about his family. At this point, they were safer if he pretended they didn't exist.

Then Ron was seen with Potter. Percy went to Hogwarts, sick of sitting on the sidelines and only doing minor things like setting paperwork on fire when nobody was looking.

He fought. In the middle of the battle, he saw the Minister, and said, "By the way, I quit!"

"Is that a joke, Perce?" one of the twins yelled. "I haven't heard you joke since-"

The wall exploded. In his last moments, Percy saw Ron falling down the stairs.


End file.
